I have only heard Gordon MacDonald speak one time. It was in the early summer of 1988. His talk encouraged me emotionally during a very painful period in my private life. His subject? The Private Life of the Public Person. I identified profoundly with him because my secret struggles were just surfacing. After he spoke I timidly introduced myself to him and mumbled a thank you through tears. The interchange was no doubt as forgettable for him as it was memorable for me.
At the time, my private life and public persona were beginning to merge. My secrets had been discovered. My self deception was ending. The appearances I managed so carefully were cracking like the cheap veneer on a dresser at Good Will. It felt like my soul’s fabric was held together by only a thread. God used Gordon MacDonald that afternoon to do some mending.
As I continued to mend, I was furious when I hit the walls of secrecy at church. In recovery meetings everyone told the truth. At church keeping our secrets seemed safer than telling the truth. Once I recognized my previous participation in such secrecy and gathered bits of grace on my recovery journey, I became less angry but the dysfunction of our secrecy still troubles me deeply. Recently I visited Christianity Today’s web site and discovered God was once again touching my life through Gordon MacDonald. His article, The Secret Driven Life, speaks succinctly to my frustration with the Church’s aversioin to truth telling.
I invite you to read The Secret Driven Life posted on LeadershipJournal.net in its entirety by clicking here. Then, please return to share your heart and your views. If you are a Ministry Professional or spouse of one please take the current poll on the right regarding leaders and secrecy. The following is a brief excerpt from the article:
I was reminded of churches where people are nice, reasonably polite, and cooperative. But with some regularity, one learns that underneath this appearance of religious composure, this person or that one is hurting terribly: firings, divorces, personal failures, doubt, addictions, sexual identity issues … the list is long. But no one speaks: neither the person in trouble nor the ones who know of the trouble. Why? Because that would threaten the fantasy that everyone’s fine. This kind of church culture starts with the idea that everyone is presumed fine until they prove differently.
Morris A. says
Fascinating stuff. It reflects my (albeit non-clergy, non-religious) family life growing up. I am distant from my family of origin still.
As clergy (well over 20 years) I have done what I can to insulate my wife and kids from the toxic effects of the “nice” church persona, but they are all quite cynical and recognize the duplicity of most people in congregations. This wouldn’t bother me much if they hadn’t witnessed along the way that some of the these “nice” folks have inflicted all kinds of pain on their father. They find it impossible to forgive people that I feel compelled to love.
I’ve tried telling the truth about my physical health, which isn’t great. Few (as noted by a previous writer) want to know. A small handful do care – thanks be to God – but others consider it weakness and reason to try to get me to leave. I have even considered telling the truth about the crippling depression that took hold of me after a huge and nasty power struggle in the church a few years back, but I have come to the conclusion that, although I might survive in my current congregation should I share this, it would be professional suicide and this congregation would be my last.
One really interesting thing I’ve seen change in the last decade is that no one even wants anyone in church to know they’ve been in hospital! The circle of secrecy seems to be growing.
Oh well, head down, soldier on.
Liz says
Rachel,
You are speaking the truth so clearly.
I’ve copied a paragraph to refer to: “As I see the consequences of the lack of care for those in ministry it seems that either you are expected to be all together or be seen as damaged goods and any kind of option to be treated as a peer and valued no longer exists. Life becomes even more lonely.”
This is a real perception. I have decided to be an army of one in our church. (I am one of 17 pastors here!) When asked, how are you, I reply with truth. “Fine,” only if it’s truth; “not so good” when that’s true. And sometimes, I’ll say, “I’m really miserable today.” It’s the rare listener who really wants to know. I share with those who really care. I share carefully and discreetly but I have decided to risk letting people know me. I have seldom had it bounce back to hurt me.
But yes, it has bounced back sometimes and yes, it hurts like fire! But frankly, it was worth it. I have,by my truthfulness, called out (allowed, make a place for) others to be truthful also.
I now teach a weekly class where it is safe to be honest! Many people are in this class and are loving the safety,clarity and truthfulness of this time together. We have bonded because of truth – no longer afraid of letting someone know our hearts.
Will the real me please stand up? Say yes, its worth the peacefulness that comes to your own heart and soul.
I am no longer hiding at church. They get the good, the bad,…
Liz says
What a great conversation! Today I led a study on Eph. chapter 2. One assignment was to write a paraphrase after studying the entire chapter. It is clear that not one of us has it all together, ever! Everything we are, have, will ever be, is a gift from almighty God.
Vs. 10 – I am God’s workmanship.
Vs. 11 – I couldn’t measure up to the “churched” (circumcised) and I was outside the accepted.
Vs. 12 – But Christ broke down the walls and the barriers and abolished the laws and rules and regulations.
Vs 16 – and HE reconciled the religious to the unreligious. Now we all have equal access!
My summary: I don’t have to play any of the religious games anymore! Nothing I am or have is by my own doing – it’s all God’s grace and gifts. I don’t have anything to brag about.
Sorry folks, the show is over! I am who/what I am, warts and all and Jesus loves me, accepts me, and desires me become His dwelling place.
I don’t need to pretend any longer! I am set free from pretenses and “goody-goody church” behavior. I refuse to join the religious crowd at church.
Yes, I’m a pastor and a pastor’s wife! We serve together; we do good together and we do not so good together! But we have quit hiding who we really are! Health is on its way, praise the Lord.
I think Christians hide truth behind Christian lies – We must quit lying to each other and to ourselves. He is the way, the truth, and the life! Let’s live in HIM. Truthfully,…
Dale W says
You are speaking to the reason for the existence of CRN. There are lots of guiding principles to help you Mary. Taking the journey one day at a time, seeking and finding quality help, knowing you are on a tough path but fellow strugglers share this rough road and some are a few steps ahead, allowing Sovereignty to Father you, being strengthened by the nurturing hugs of our Mother Hen’s wings, making opportunities to be with those who struggle similarly, refusing to quit, developing toughness, experiencing the freedom of wise truth telling, supporting the evolution of your Christianity into something more useful, taking medication as needed, knowing the Lord has your new ministry in mind as he shapes its leaders—you, joining recovery groups like the Women in Ministry forum, accepting the role of trail blazers, reading quality books which support your journey like Keep Breathing by Juanita Ryan which can be found at Amazon.com, seeking and giving grace, and generally shattering status quo are some of the Biblical doctrines which will help with your overwhelm. Your truth telling encouraged a string of thoughts to come pouring out. mmmmmm interesting.
Dale W says
I understand Rachel. To often the apparently strong who are often incredibly weak rise in the ranks while the weak who are often incredibly strong are marginalized. Real strength however has nothing to do with what people think or how leaders appear. Real strength is about telling the truth, getting the help we need and changing our status quo and then influencing those around us to tell more truth.
Most of my recovery has been done behind the scenes. I discovered early randomly telling my secrets meant losing my voice. Now I connect with understanding ministry peers in private telling them all of my truth to get the help I need. I also share privately my truth to those who struggle similarly as a means of aiding them. I do this selectively. Publicly I try to tell enough of my story to influence our secret prone church culture to be more honest and to connect with those courageous souls like you who long to connect with heartfelt honest peers.
benb says
Mary, having been a pastor for more than 20 years I completely understand the situation. I myself experienced burnout, depression, collapse of some sort and instead of the body coming around their Pastor they became offended because I was not able to minister to them during this time and I was forced to resign. It was as if because I experience weakness and displayed it they needed to address sin in my life. The process to correct this in the Church is not an easy one nor a painless one, but it must begin with us as clergy being real about who we are. I realize that this may set us up for rejection from the body of Christ, but isn’t that just what Christ experienced. The only way we can change this trend is to begin establishing a different culture in the church.
Mary says
This was a somewhat helpful article. But, it just points out the problem, and really doesn’t help with a solution. As the spouse of a minister and newly admitted alcoholic, I find it overwhelming to think about how we will be able to get help while still in the midst of a relatively new ministry. Being clergy, you do feel feel so “in the spotlight” and yet so terribly isolated. Suggestions? We are really hurting.
Rachel L says
I grew up in a ‘missionary family’ that had a lot of serets..the pressure to be perfect and not look for help as a kid impacted me deeply. I went on into ministry and found friends I could confide in. But then others who wanted to fix me when I was struggling with the personal emotional consequences of highly dysfunctional family as I went through burnout trying to cope with the pressures of minsitry and continued contact with a family.
Gordon’s book have been an inspiration to me…but still have not found a safe place with the body of christ where I can be myself without being judged or fixed or expected to be full of victory.
As I see the consequences of the lack of care for those in ministry it seems that either you are expected to be all together or be seen as damaged goods and any kind of option to be treated as a peer and valued no longer exists. Life becomes even more lonely.
When are we as the body of Christ going to realise that in our weakness we are strong as we depend on God’s grace as individuals who have something to give, simply because it is God within us that is the real deal.
Does anyone understand?
Dale W says
Your two cents is worth lots more! You encouraged deeper thought and more honesty. THANKS! Ben, don’t you think projecting the image we are fine starts with the pastor? Most of us as pastors are ashamed of not being fine and feel like we are caught by expectations in having to be even better than fine—perfect! When we as pastors are not fine it is especially difficult to say so don’t you think?
Ben B says
Thanks Dale, I realize that Gordon needed to be sensitive to his audience and not come off as brow beating them. I was just adding my two cents worth, or maybe less, because this is a subject that needs to be addressed in the church and sometimes directly in order for the message be clear. It is so easy in our self-deception to remove ourselves from the offending group and say, “well that’s not really me, it’s someone else”. I am as much a part of the problem as anyone else. I don’t have the courage to be that honest, yet I know it must begin some where, but do I have to be the one? The answer is yes! We are all tearfully afraid of rejection.
Dale W says
Yes, Ben, I hear where you are coming from. We are so good at spin. I believe in Gordon’s defense he has written an article which is honest AND palatable to a spectrum of believers and churches who would likely hear this much truth as opposed to saying the truth so directly it would feel like he was telling us off and accusing us of being “self righteous.”
He is clear we are not healthy if we are lying when we project a façade which communicates we are fine when we are not. Telling more truth like, we must create church cultures where we quit being so judgmental, stop being so arrogant, quit trying to act like we have it all together, and in which we abandon our predisposition to fix others are at least implied. These truths need to be told Ben.
From his recovery group reference it is clear he is lobbying for us to be honest people in our churches who are humble, tell the truth about our sinful struggles and stop the lie of appearing “fine”. He has encouraged me to at least tell one truth to one person about what I am really struggling with when I shake hands this Sunday. Let’s make it okay to tell the truth at the institution which is designed to be the pillar of the truth.
Ben B says
Gordon said, “This kind of church culture starts with the idea that everyone is presumed fine until they prove differently”. I don’t believe he goes far enough. Maybe he’s trying to be more polite, but I was say that we christians like to protray ourselves as righteous or better yet self-righteous. This becomes most evident in the church when our inability to continue to hide the truth about ourselves becomes known. Our other “brothers” and “sisters” seem far to quick to want to fix us rather than just graciously love us. There is something implied in the attempt to fix me: First that they really know what is wrong and second that they know, understand have enough wisdom and are put together well enough themselves to fix me. What a healing experience it would be for all us christians to finally feel loved enough to share our greatest struggles and know that we will still be loved graciously inspite of it. We could finally be ourselves without having someone stare at us with derision. Isn’t that what the church should look like from the inside?